Unfortunate Events: A Parody
by Royal Typewriter
Summary: It's a parody, 'nuff said. R & R. New Miserable Mill chapter!
1. The Bad Beginning

**Unfortunate Events Parody—**

**Part One: The Bad Beginning **

**on the beach. **

VIOLET: God, Klaus, you suck at skipping rocks.

KLAUS: I'm _trying,_ okay?

VIOLET: Well, try harder, every self-respecting Baudelaire can skip a rock, but then I was always sure you were adopted anyway, so…

SUNNY: Gah! There's a strange figure coming towards us! Only I can't see who it is, cause all that's visible in this fog is a silhouette!

KLAUS: Your point being?

SUNNY: I've seen Psycho, strange figures usually mean something bad's about to happen. Do something!

VIOLET: It's okay, Sunny, I've got a peashooter.

SUNNY: We're screwed.

STRANGE FIGURE: (cough hack cough)

KLAUS: Aw, it's only Mr. Poe.

MR. POE: Howdy.

VIOLET: Would you like a cough drop, Mr. Poe? It might help that tuberculosis along, or whatever it is you got goin' on there…

MR. POE: No thank you, Miss Baudelaire. Now—

VIOLET: You sure? Cause I can just hear that mucus slurping around in your chest from all the way over here, and I'm getting kinda nauseous.

MR. POE: Nauseous? Hmm. So I guess now isn't a good time to tell you your parents are dead, your house is burned down, you've just become orphans, and Klaus's appointment at the nail salon was cancelled?

KLAUS: I paid freaking seventy bucks for that appointment!

VIOLET: Our parents! What happened?!

MR. POE: Did you not hear the part about your house burning down?

KLAUS: They died in the fire?

MR. POE: No, they were hit by the firetruck. It was so ironic. Anyway, it looks like you're gonna have to come stay at my place till I can con some other sap into taking you.

SUNNY: Wow. Thanks a lot.

MR. POE: Whatever. Hop into the truck now, kids!

**poe residence.**

MR. POE: Honey, guess what I brought home!

MRS. POE: Canned bread?

MR. POE: No, even better! Orphaned chillens!

POE KID #1: Ew. Who're those stiffs?

MR. POE: Hey, calm down, it's not their fault they're a little upset. I mean, their parents died, their house is gone, and the nail place cancelled on Klaus.

POE KID #2: That place costs a freakin' fortune!

KLAUS: I know, right?

POE KID #2: For sure! Like one time, I wanted to get some flowers done, and it was like forty bucks extra!

POE KID #1: (smack) You're not supposed to like them, creep! Come on, let's go barricade our room.

POE KID #2: Well…okay…

POE KID #3: I wanna help!

MR. POE: (blanches) When'd we have a third kid?!

**dinner.**

VIOLET: This dinner sucks.

MRS. POE: Thank you!

**next morning. **

MR. POE: 'Kay, kids, I found someone for you to stay with!

SUNNY: Boy, you weren't in a rush at all, were you?

MR. POE: Of course I was, you three are serious downers.

KLAUS: Do ya know what if feels like, lovin' someone, that's in a rush to throw you awa-ay…

VIOLET: I knew he was adopted. So anyway, who're we staying with?

MR. POE: Some guy named Count Olaf. Mm. Sounds like pilaf. Which reminds me of my wife.

KLAUS: Who's Count Olaf?

MR. POE: He's your mom's uncle's sister's dad's ex-wife's old roomate's goldfish's previous owner's hairdresser's seventeenth cousin. Or something like that. Throw in a couple 'removed's just to be safe.

VIOLET: But our Uncle Bill lives right across the street, why couldn't we live with him?

KLAUS: Yeah, he's got cable!

MR. POE: We needed a plot device, so just do me a favor and try and tell me if you see anything outside. This fog's getting so dense it's slowing my car down. Can't see a darn thing.

SUNNY: Ooooh, check it out! That's a really nice house! Are we gonna live there?

MR. POE: As if! This isn't called Unfortunate Events for nothing. Everyone out!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, hello, Mr. Poe! Who are the kids?

MR. POE: These are the new possessions—I mean…uh…charges…of Olaf.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Sakes alive! (runs inside)

KLAUS: That…doesn't look like a good sign.

VIOLET: It's never a good sign when someone randomly changes their accent. Remember that. It'll come up later in life, I guarantee it.

SUNNY: Shoot, I don't wanna live there! It looks so morbid!

MR. POE: Then you'll fit in great. C'mon, chop chop, I gotta get back home to monogram my wife's panties.

OLAF: Well hello there…

VIOLET: Uhmygawd!

OLAF: So these are the little nippers. Well, I'll put them to lots of good use. You!

KLAUS: What?

OLAF: You look like you've got a nice steady hand.

KLAUS: Yeah, I paint.

OLAF: Excellent. I'm officially appointing you as my nightly toenail buffer.

KLAUS: …kill me now.

OLAF: Okay, come on in, everyone!

SUNNY: Jeez, what a dump! You're single, I take it?

OLAF: Oh, yes. Unless you count the one-night stands, then I'm like a total pimp. Anyway, this place could really use some work…and I understand you guys practically own a gold mine…I mean, not that I'm hinting or anything…

MR. POE: That money is not to be touched till the hot one comes of age.

OLAF: That's gonna put a damper on our relationship, Mucus. I'll just show you out.

MR. POE: Bye, kids! It's been great! Don't bother calling!

OLAF: Okay. Well, now that Coughy's gone, I won't bother to try and impress anyone.

KLAUS: Did I miss the part where you _were_ trying?

OLAF: Shut up and get to your room, ya little bespectacled creep. And you two, too. I'm gonna run down to the liquor store. Be right back!

**room.**

VIOLET: One bed, moldy curtains, century-old flooring…I dunno how this place could possibly get any worse…

KLAUS: So I'm assuming the pile of newspapers that says 'facilities' is where we go, then?

VIOLET: …

SUNNY: Dang, what a shack. I call curtains!

OLAF: KIDS! Get out here!

**kitchen.**

VIOLET: What do you _want?_

OLAF: Uh, it says here you're supposed to cook for me and my theater groupies or something…

VIOLET: That's tomorrow, ya drunken loser.

OLAF: Oh. Well, in that case…go scrub the couch or something. I'm gonna run down to the liquor store real quick. Be right back!

KLAUS: Ugh. I'm going to bed.

**room.**

SUNNY: How's it goin' up there?

VIOLET: Klaus, quit kicking!

KLAUS: I'm not freakin' touching you!

VIOLET: …then what is?

SPIDER: Do you mind? I've got eggs down here!

SUNNY: Ew. Anyway, someone's tapping at the window.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, there, kids!

VIOLET: It's flippin' 2 AM, what do you need?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Well, I kinda missed my cue earlier on…I just wanted to say you kids can come chill at my library anytime you want. Bye!

**next day. **

SUNNY: Hey, it's a note! Only I can't read…one of you guys, decode the lettering.

VIOLET: 'Dear kids, went down to the liquor store. I'll probably stop at a bar or two on the way out, then head over to the theater. You punks better have dinner ready when I get back, or I'll tear you all new ones. Love, Olaf.'

KLAUS: We can't cook! Last time I tried my hand at cooking, the cold cereal spilled all over the place!

SUNNY: Well, let's go get some books and see if we can't find something.

**library.**

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, kids! What's new?

VIOLET: Nothing much. We gotta cook dinner for a bunch of drunk actors or else. You?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: I think my baliff's hot for me! Anyway, let's see about a cookbook.

KLAUS: Got any Playboy?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Teehee. Silly lad. Oh, look! Here's one for roast beef!

VIOLET: Nah. What else ya got?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, here! It's one for pasta! Let's see now…oh! Puttanesca sauce! Mm. Sounds like a brand of ice cream or something. Anywho, there's the ingredients you need. You kids best get a move on, now. See ya!

**marketplace.**

VIOLET: This isn't good.

KLAUS: What?

VIOLET: We've got a boatload of stuff to buy…and he left us Monopoly money.

KLAUS: No problem. You go grab what we need. Sunny, follow me.

SUNNY: This oughta be good.

KLAUS: This is the Cha-Cha-Slide, y'all.

EVERYONE: (gasp)

KLAUS: A'ight, c'mon, y'all, clap it up.

EVERYONE: (clap)

KLAUS: Right foot, two stomps! Left foot, two stomps! Cha-cha now, y'all.

EVERYONE: (cha-cha)

KLAUS: 'kay, let's go!

**kitchen.**

VIOLET: Is it supposed to be purple?

KLAUS: Heck if I know, I just read. Sunny!

SUNNY: I'm bitin' over here!

KLAUS: But Sunny, you can cook!

SUNNY: Not till the sixth or seventh book. Figure it out!

SAUCE: (growl)

VIOLET: I think they'll like it!

**dinnertime.**

OLAF: Something doesn't smell like roast beef!

VIOLET: WTF? We made sauce!

OLAF: For the roast beef?

VIOLET: There is no roast beef!

OLAF: I specifically wrote it down! Right there! See? _Right there._

VIOLET: That says 'I'm off to the liquor store'.

OLAF: What, do I have to spell it out? Yeesh, you kids are dense. So what're we supposed to eat?

KLAUS: Did we not just say we made sauce?

BALD GUY: I thought we was havin' roast beef, Olaf.

OLAF: And we shall!

VIOLET: We didn't make any roast beef!

OLAF: Well then what _did_ you make?!

VIOLET: _Go sit down!_

**after dinner.**

OLAF: Well, that dinner officially sucked. Klaus, get your butt over here.

KLAUS: What'd I do?

OLAF: (whack) That's for a sucky dinner. Now all of y'all's, get upstairs to bed!

**poe office the next day.**

VIOLET: Mr. Poe, you've gotta help us!

SUNNY: Yeah, our life's a mess since you took us to Olaf's place!

MR. POE: (cough hack cough)

KLAUS: Plus he hit me, and stuff!

MR. POE: That only means he's acting in locomotor mortis.

VIOLET: Don't you mean loco parentitis?

MR. POE: I said locomotor mortis!

KLAUS: He's a disarming spell?

MR. POE: Exactly! Now get outta my office!

**back at the house.**

OLAF: Basically, I heard about your little outing down to the bank today.

VIOLET: How the heck does that work, we just left!

OLAF: Yeah, but I've got unlimited texting. And Mr. Congestion has the same company, so it all works out.

KLAUS: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

OLAF: Well, I'm sorry you felt like my palace wasn't good enough for you.

SUNNY: How many trips to the liquor store did he take today?

OLAF: So to make up for the fact that you're all high-maintenance losers, you get to be in my masterpiece of a play, The Marvelous Marriage.

VIOLET: Couldn't we do Into the Woods or something?

OLAF: That's next month. Now Klaus, you and Sunny get to play extras. And Violet, you're like, my bride.

VIOLET: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

OLAF: Aw, it's not for real or anything…but even if it were, you'd get a bigger bed. (wink)

**library.**

KLAUS: There's something strange about his plan.

VIOLET: Ya think!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, guys! Guess what? I'm gonna be in a play! I've always wanted to act…

VIOLET: Then you be the bride!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Nah, get this…I play a judge!

SUNNY: No way.

KLAUS: Ah! _Nuptial Laws,_ my favorite!

JUSTICE STRAUSS:…you need to find yourself a girl, dude.

**the house.**

KLAUS: Aha! After hours of staring at the cover of this book trying to figure out what 'unabridged' means, I've found a solution to our problem!

VIOLET: (snore)

KLAUS: Hey, Olaf! Guess what!

OLAF: You finally hit puberty?

KLAUS: No! Well, kind of! But that's not what I wanna say! I know all about your little plan!

OLAF: You know about the honeymoon I'm planning in Tijuana?!

KLAUS: No! I mean yes! Stop that! I know you're gonna marry her in the play!

OLAF: Duh, it's in the script.

KLAUS: Yeah, only I read that if a _real_ judge makes you sign _real_ paper with your _real_ hand, then you're really married! And that's disgusting!

OLAF: Maybe to you.

KLAUS: …

OLAF: What? How do you know Violet's not into it?

KLAUS: Because she's not insane! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tell my sisters!

OLAF: You do that. (half-smile)

KLAUS: Violet! Sunny! Guess what!

VIOLET: Oh my gosh, your voice finally broke!

KLAUS: _No!_ Wait, really?

VIOLET: Yeah! So what is it you needed to tell Sunny and me?

KLAUS: …where's Sunny?!

VIOLET: Over there in the moldy pile of curtains.

KLAUS: That's the spider! Where'd my sister go?!

OLAF: I certainly haven't seen her.

VIOLET: Yes you have! Where is she?

OLAF: Follow me, amateurs.

**outside.**

OLAF: Okay, look up.

VIOLET: What does a black sky in the middle of the morning have to do with Sunny?

KLAUS: (gasp) You hung her in a cage?!

OLAF: Teehee. Yep. I'll only let her out if your hot sister agrees to marry me so I can get your gold mine and stuff. Otherwise, I'll have my hook-handed lackey do something really bad to her.

VIOLET: Marry you, or have something bad happen to my sister. Hmm. How bad are we talking?

OLAF: _Real_ bad. Like…forcing her to listen to Cher bad.

VIOLET: You wouldn't!

OLAF: Oh, but I would! I have her greatest hits waiting up in the tower should you try to get out of our deal!

VIOLET: Oh man. That's a fate worse than death. (sigh) Fine, I'll marry you.

OLAF: Besides, it wouldn't be so bad, you know…waking up next to me, having my children…

VIOLET: Don't push it.

**that night.**

KLAUS: Are you really going to keep your end of the deal?

VIOLET: Psch. Heck no. I just needed time to make this!

KLAUS: A claw?

VIOLET: Bingo. I'm going to climb up there using the hook I made out of some barbed wire I found in the sink, and this rope I braided out of Olaf's back hair.

KLAUS: How'd you get it from his back?

VIOLET: Oh, he had me wax it the other day and told me I could keep it.

KLAUS: How generous. Now let's get this drag show on the road, maybe we can catch a bus outta here or something!

VIOLET: Right! (throws hook)

HOOK: CLAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

VIOLET: Hey! You're gonna blow our cover!

HOOK: Oh…sorry. Claaaaaaaang…

VIOLET: Be right back!

HOOK MAN: Ahahaha! That hook blew your cover! Now I've got you!

VIOLET: Crap. Klaus! Run like the wind!

HOOK MAN: Too late, I've already got him hanging from the wall by his britches!

VIOLET: Wait…how does that work, I saw him wave to me as I started climbing.

HOOK MAN: Heh. Then I used my fishing pole. Now come on, into the tower.

VIOLET: I cut my fricken shoulder for nothing. Now what do we do?

SUNNY: I'm seriously about to wet myself from sheer terror.

KLAUS: Whatever, I already did…Violet, think of something!

VIOLET: Oh! I have an idea!

KLAUS: What is it?

VIOLET: Psch, wait! You'll see towards the end of the book!

**play night.**

OLAF: This is my big night, and you two better not screw it up. Or else…(presses walkie talkie)

WALKIETALKIE: Do you beli-ieve, in life after love?

KLAUS: We won't do anything to ruin it.

VIOLET: Speak for yourself. I'm off to Makeup. See ya!

OLAF: Man, what a hottie.

**play.**

OLAF: 'kay, Judge! Time for you to seal the deal!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, man! This is so exhilarating! Just being up here, starring in a real live play! It's something I've wanted to do, since I was a little girl, just after I got my first gavel, it was Fisher-Price, so cute! And—

OLAF: Say the line!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: 'Kay! Um, do you, Olaf, take Violet to be your lady?

OLAF: Yep.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Then I'll just need you to sign here…

OLAF: Aha! Ahahaha! Ha! Now the play's over, and I've actually really married Violet, and now her fortune's mine!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Land sakes! You mean to tell me I assisted in somethin' so vile!

OLAF: Heh. Yep.

EVERYONE: Oh no!

VIOLET: Not so fast!

OLAF: …

VIOLET: See, it says you had to have signed it in your own hand. And I didn't. See? I used a little back-scratcher hand. Man, I can't believe you fell for it.

OLAF: Then sign it again!

VIOLET: Nope, don't think I will.

OLAF: Then your sister…

SUNNY: Is right here, freak! Just wait till I get ahold of you! I'ma be on you like a polar bear on a Klondike bar!

MR. POE: Seize the pedophile!

OLAF: Crap.

(lights go out)

SUNNY: I can't see a darned thing!

VIOLET: Hold on, I'll find the light!

OLAF: I'll get you someday!

VIOLET: Aaah! Don't _do_ that! You're gonna make me trip!

OLAF: Sorry. Anyway, I'm off to Tijuana till I can think of something else. Toodles!

(lights come back on)

MR. POE: Did anyone get him?

MRS. POE: No, but I'd like to. (wink)

VIOLET: It's all good, everyone…we're safe. For now.

SUNNY: Dun-dun-dunnnn.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Um, to like, make up for the fact that you were almost married to that scraggly greaseball…maybe I could adopt you kids?

MR. POE: (cough hack) Nope, no can do.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: What! Why?

MR. POE: They gotta be raised by relatives.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: But I thought they didn't have any…?

MR. POE: Look, we gotta fill thirteen books, we'll find some!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Well…okay…but let me tell you right now. The ending of the thirteenth book is gonna suck.

MR. POE: It's a risk I'm willing to take. Come on, kids!

KLAUS: Jerk.

SUNNY: I liked her!

VIOLET: Could life get any worse?

MR. POE: Haha. Girl, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

**They drive away into the distance, Smack That blaring from the radio.**

Fin.

Well, that was my first ASOUE parody thing for a few years now. Let me know what you think.  I'm considering doing some of the other books, but whatever you say.

-Kates


	2. The Reptile Room

**Series of Unfortunate Events Parody**

**Part II: The Reptile Room**

**Poe's Car.**

(awkward silence)

MR. POE: Well, I'll cut to the chase. That's the fastest I've ever seen anyone get rid of a guardian. I'm not even kidding, this beats the time we got our housekeeper to leave by strapping her upside-down in my garage. You kids are turning into serious delinquents.

KLAUS: Just wait till everyone starts thinking we murdered the author's brother.

MR. POE: WTF? (cough cough)

SUNNY: And to think I could be at the beach.

VIOLET: So, where're we going?

MR. POE: To go see your late father's cousin's wife's brother.

VIOLET: Do you not know anyone who doesn't take fifteen minutes to describe?

MR. POE: Check the attitude, little miss. I've half a mind to drop you right on this curb.

KLAUS: Whoa! It's like Arby's gone wild out here! Did someone drop a tank of horseradish or what?

MR. POE: Something like that.

SUNNY: (sigh) I'm starting to miss that cage.

KLAUS: Who's our guardian, then?

MR. POE: Uhhh…I think his name's Montgomery. And he's a herpetologist.

VIOLET: (gasp) He specializes in STD's?

MR. POE: Something like that.

VIOLET: Ew.

KLAUS: (whack) You guys are idiots. He studies snakes.

VIOLET: …with STD's?

KLAUS: (long pause)…yes, Violet.

MR. POE: Well, here we are! The end of Lousy Lane!

SUNNY: Could we have not thought of a more depressing name?

MR. POE: You don't know depressing till you've lived with my wife.

VIOLET: Yeah, we have. She's ugly and she can't cook.

MR. POE: (sigh) I know. That's exactly why I married her.

KLAUS: You were drunk, weren't you?

MR. POE: Yeah. Now everyone out, I got stuff to do!

**Monty's house. **

MONTY: It's the kids! Huzzah!

MR. POE: Montgomery.

MONTY: Poe.

MR. POE: Montgomery.

VIOLET: Violet!

MR. POE: Violet?

MONTY: Come on in!

SUNNY: Whoa! This is so not like the dump we were at in the last book!

MONTY: Aw, you. (blush)

VIOLET: Mr. Montgomery?

MONTY: Call me Monty, hot Baudelaire. And have some cake.

VIOLET: I really shouldn't…but…okay! (eats cake)

MONTY: Wow! What wouldn't I give for a snake with that kinda appetite. Hey, how come the little one isn't eating her cake?

SUNNY: I actually prefer to bite on really hard things.

MONTY: Uhkayy…well…I have a raw carrot…

SUNNY: That'll do.

MONTY: Cool. Mr. Poe, how come you haven't touched your cake?

MR. POE: (coughs excessively) My wife only lets me have 'good' food once a month.

MONTY: Wow.

MR. POE: Wow is right! Look at the time! I've wasted _hours_ ferrying you three across town—I gotta get back before the Mrs. realizes I'm gone! (leaves with cake)

MONTY: I wonder how she stands being married to him.

VIOLET: Oh, trust me, they were made for each other.

MONTY: Hmm. Well, I think now's a good time to mention that you three have totally free rein of my house. Except, no going in the West Wing. Oh wait—never mind.

KLAUS: (is distracted) Aruba, Jamaica, oooh, I wanna take ya to Bermuda, Bahamas...

MONTY: _Oh!_ That reminds me! We're going to Peru.

VIOLET: What? When?

MONTY: As soon as my new assistant gets here. Stephano. Really common name this side of wherever it is we are.

SUNNY: What happened to your old one?

MONTY: Oh, him? He ended up resigning after he mysteriously swallowed arsenic, used rubidium in the shower instead of conditioner, and somehow happened to get himself crushed by laying in my driveway as I pulled out. What a character.

KLAUS: Do you not see anything strange about that?

MONTY: Yeah! I mean, come on, who duct-tapes themselves to a driveway? I guess it was for the best, though. This Stephano guy has great references.

VIOLET: Why do I have the feeling this is going to end in graphic violence?

MONTY: Must be a girl thing. Do you need some chocolate?

VIOLET: (sigh)

MONTY: Oh! Hey, do you guys want to see my reptile collection?

VIOLET: (huffily) Not really.

MONTY: Good! Come on!

**Reptile Room.**

KLAUS: Fascinating! It's almost as though you collect these things! 

MONTY: Wow, they weren't kidding when they said you picked up on things quick. (rolls eyes)

VIOLET: (feminine shriek) Huhmygawd! That thing has Sunny! Somebody help! City on fire!

SUNNY: (is actually quite calm) No, I'm okay.

KLAUS: (even more feminine shriek) Do something, Monty! Can't you see she's frightened out of her 1-year-old wits?!

MONTY: Help. Police. Murder.

VIOLET: You help my sister, or so help me, I'll get out my Baltimora CD!

MONTY: Look, she's fine! The snake is harmless. (pets) This is I'm Debbie the Viper, otherwise known as the Incredibly Deadly Viper, only because they both acronym to IDV. Only he's not really deadly, it's kind of a comedic irony. You know? Sort of like naming your daughter Fauntleroy.

KLAUS: (is pretty much frozen in disbelief) Why…?

MONTY: It's mostly to get back at the Herpetologists Society, cause they made fun of my name back when we were all in college. I know it's an unusual name, but they didn't have to kick me out of our fraternity!

VIOLET: What?

MONTY: (sigh) Forget it. Let's go see a movie.

**At the theater.**

SUNNY: I want popcorn.

MONTY: No.

**Monty's house.**

MONTY: You guys want to earn some extra moolah before we head out to Peru?

KLAUS: Yeah! If we're goin' to South America, I'm gonna need to buy me a new Speedo.

MONTY: …anyway, Violet, because you're the only one who can work a hammer, you need to build me a series of traps to catch snakes in. But make sure they're big—them South American snakes can get pretty huge.

VIOLET: (long pause) How big?

MONTY: Here's some aluminum pipes to work with. And don't forget to use the electric wire. Klaus, I'm going to have you do what you do best.

KLAUS: You need me to sunbathe?

MONTY: (aghast) No! I need you to read up on all these snakes that are twice my size, so you can tell me what to do spur of the moment in case one of them attacks.

KLAUS: (grabs books) I'll be outside.

MONTY: And Sunny, uh…well, you don't really have much use till the sixth or seventh book, so I'll let you bite rope and think you're helping. Plan?

SUNNY: Whatever, I charge by the hour. C'mon, Debbie, let's go shred rope.

VIPER: (enigmatic smile)

**Later that evening. **

(doorbell rings)

MONTY: (sings) Coming! Oh…hey.

STEPHANO: (is really OLAF) Hey.

MONTY: Are you…the candygram guy? You're not supposed to come till next week.

OLAF: No! It's me!

MONTY: …you're not my second-grade teacher, are you?

OLAF: …I'm Stephano.

SUNNY: No he's not!

OLAF: Who else would I be? (gives challenging look)

VIOLET: (points at script) His name's listed as _Olaf!_ Doesn't that tell you something?

OLAF: You know, breaking the fourth wall like that gets you thrown in jail in some states.

KLAUS: Speaking of jail, shouldn't you be there?

MONTY: (shocked) Klaus whatever-your-middle-name-is Baudelaire! We do not talk to sinister guests that way!

OLAF: That's right! Now let's have the fortune!

EVERYONE: (gasps in shock)

OLAF: Fortune…uh…cookies! I brought Chinese! (fake smile)

MONTY: Ooooh! I like you better than Gustav already!

SUNNY: (glare) I don't believe you for a second, you scrawny excuse for a member of the male species.

OLAF: How would you like me to drop this knife on your foot?

SUNNY: Honestly? Not very much.

OLAF: Then shut up.

SUNNY: Kay. Whatever. I'm gonna go grab a wonton before Violet scarfs them all.

**At dinner.**

OLAF: (rubs Violet's knee with his knife)

VIOLET: Do you mind? I already shaved this morning.

OLAF: (singing) I'm your Venus!

VIOLET: …I'll be right back.

MONTY: Where're you going?

VIOLET: Upstairs. To not do anything suspicious. I just have to…go to the bathroom. To floss. And take…Myspace pictures in the mirror. Yeah. (rushes out of the room)

KLAUS: I'll go help her angle the camera. (bolts up and leaves)

(long silence)

SUNNY: Pass the crabcakes.

**Olaf's Room. **

KLAUS: This isn't the bathroom…

VIOLET: Are you nuts? Olaf won't go _near_ a bathroom. At least not one that's equipped with a shower. Now come on.

KLAUS: Please! (holds up shirt) This is _so_ not his color! What is he thinking? He's not a _spring!_

VIOLET: ...look. Here's the plan. (whispers)

**Downstairs.**

OLAF: (smiles evilly)

VIOLET: Yeah. Hi.

MONTY: I have something to say! (points accusingly at Olaf)

KLAUS: Vengeance!

MONTY: I know all about what you're up to!

OLAF: (cocks gun in his pocket) And what's that?

MONTY: Those creeps from my old fraternity sent you to steal my secret coconut cream cake recipe! And my snake!

OLAF: (is shocked)

ORPHANS: (are shocked)

VIPER: (saw this coming)

MONTY: So you know what that means? I'll tell you! (rips up ticket) You're not coming to Peru. That's right, no Latina babes for you, jerk!

OLAF: Oh, this is just sick.

MONTY: (leaves)

OLAF: You'll all be sorry when we get to Peru.

KLAUS: You're not coming!

OLAF: That's what _you_ think. But guess what? This is only the second book, and we need a heck of a lot more plot devices. Trust me, I'll get back at you.

VIOLET: (glares)

OLAF: (leaves)

**Later.**

KLAUS: Monty? I need the cheese grater! (pause) Monty? (pushes open door) Hey, Mont—Aaaah!

MONTY: (is dead)

KLAUS: _Violet!_

VIOLET: (rushes in with a towel on her head) What? What is it?

KLAUS: (points)

VIOLET: Aaaah!

SUNNY: (rides in on the viper) Aaaah!

OLAF: (comes out from the shadows, eating a fudgesicle) Hey guys, what's new?

VIOLET: Gee, I dunno, maybe our uncle's sudden death, that's what's new! Maybe you could tell me how it happened, huh?

OLAF: (licks fudgesicle) Snake got him.

KLAUS: Right, right. Because _that_ massive beast right there…(points at viper)

VIPER: Hey!

KLAUS: …Has teeth the size of pinholes. Do you think I was born yesterday?

OLAF: Your voice sure sounds like it.

KLAUS: Not the point! You did this!

OLAF: All these false accusations are just upsetting me. Now come on, we're going to Peru.

VIOLET: What kind of meds have they been _giving_ you down at that theatre?

OLAF: (drags kids to his car)

KLAUS: You're gonna rue the day you messed with us!

OLAF: Whatever. (starts car and promptly crashes into Mr. Poe's)

(long conversation back at the house)

MR. POE: (walks in) Hey guys. (cough) I heard the (cough) news. That's (hack) pretty terrible if you ask me. But this handsome devil here has offered to haul you three off to Peru with him.

OLAF: (bats eyelashes)

SUNNY: But this was his fault!

DOCTOR: (is really Hook Guy) Yeah, uh, I'm gonna go with 'no' on that one. It was that Mamba du Mal. The one locked securely in the cage. Yep.

OLAF: Because I know _absolutely nothing_ about snakes, I'm going to nod and smile.

KLAUS: So what, he unlocked his cage, bit his owner, got back in and locked himself back up?

HOOK GUY: That's the basic gist of it. Who wants Starbucks?

VIOLET: (whispers) Klaus! Let's do it!

SUNNY: (has disappeared)

KLAUS: Where could Sunny be? (leaves)

(long pause, then sudden piercing scream)

KLAUS: Sakes alive! It's got her! Somebody, help me! Oh, Rhett!

EVERYONE: (rushes to Reptile Room)

MR. POE: Holy mother of whoever invented lattes! This is insane! Somebody help her! Sound the alarms! Start up the smoke signals! Strike up the band! HELP!

VIOLET: (discreetly leaves to go raid Olaf's stuff)

KLAUS: It's eating her leg! Oh, man! It's like he's a hungry teenager and she's the KFC drumstick! Wow! Somebody better do something! (tries not to laugh)

OLAF: Ugh, you're such a moron. That snake's totally harmless. (gives long, detailed history about the viper)

EVERYONE: (gasps)

MR. POE: I thought you didn't know anything about snakes!

OLAF: (realizes he's blown his cover) At least this can't get any worse…

VIOLET: (reappears)Look what I found! See, this syringe here fits the holes in Monty's face. And this powder puff…well, I don't really know what purpose it served, but it's fun to use.

KLAUS:…(offers no suggestions)

SUNNY: _I_ bet he used it to cover up the _eye_ on his ankle.

OLAF: Oh, that's just crazy talk. That snake venom must've got to your head. Like that one time I inhaled whiteboard markers for too long.

MR. POE: (offers handkerchief)

KLAUS: I got this. (blows nose)

MR. POE: Ugh! (snatches and rubs off powder on Olaf's ankle) See? Right there. _Right there._ It's an eye. (glances) Is that significant?

OLAF: See you in six months, suckers! (runs)

HOOK GUY: Word to your mother! (runs, comes back and grabs the typewriter, then leaves again)

MR. POE: Another guardian! What's it been, like a month? You kids are impossible. I need a spring water. (leaves)

REPTILE GUY: (comes in and packs up reptiles)

SUNNY: Hey! Be careful with Debbie…he's sensitive.

REPTILE GUY: (ignores)

MR. POE: C'mon, guys, into the van.

KIDS: (sigh and climb in)

MR. POE: I swear, we need to get you three a parole officer.

**End of part two. **


	3. The Wide Window

Unfortunate Events Parody

**Unfortunate Events Parody  
Part III: The Wide Window**

**On the Ferry.**

KLAUS: Lake Lachrymose…who named these places? What's wrong with, you know, Lake Lovely or…Lake Lackadaisical?

VIOLET: That would make things too enjoyable.

KLAUS: So many nice things start with L and they choose _lachrymose_…

VIOLET: Nothing good starts with L.

KLAUS: Lattes, ladybugs, lollipops, Lauri Ylönen…there's a whole list, Violet.

SUNNY: (opens sack) Peppermints?

KLAUS: We haven't covered M, N, or O yet, Sunny. One at a time.

SUNNY: Why doesn't Mr. Poe like us, anyway?

VIOLET: I think his dissatisfaction with his own life as well as his refusal to accept his inner sensitivity is possibly triggering a subconscious desire within him to take it out on the ones he's closest to. I don't think he means to make us as miserable as he feels, but when we're unhappy, it proves to him that he isn't alone in the world.

KLAUS: Oh, Violet…that was profound. It made me realize something.

VIOLET: Really? What?

KLAUS: I want Starbucks now.

FERRY: (stops suddenly) Everyone out!

**In the Taxi.**

DRIVER: I hope you know that I could be watching The Hills right now.

KLAUS: Duly noted.

**At Josephine's House.**

TAXI: (leaves)

VIOLET: Why is the house on stilts?

KLAUS: She's making a statement. I love it. (walks inside)

JOSEPHINE: Aaah! Who are you people? I hope you know I know karate—or, I _would_, but I was too scared to leave my house to go learn it…

SUNNY: No, no, it's just us.

JOSEPHINE: Lovely use of pronouns, dear. I'd come hug you, but physical contact gives me the jibblies.

VIOLET: I'm sensing a deeper issue here. Were you one of those people who could never get a date…and then that sort of just evolved into this fear of intimacy?

JOSEPHINE: …actually, I'll have you know I _did_ get a date once, only to have him eaten by leeches in that lake out there.

VIOLET: And that led you to become afraid of everything because it links right back to—

JOSEPHINE: When you try to act philosophical, it freaks me out.

VIOLET: _Well_, then. (picks up bags) Want to show me where our room is, or is that too intimidating of a thought?

JOSEPHINE: I'm not scared of rooms. That's just silly. (leads them down the hall)

KLAUS: Do you mind opening the door? My hands are kind of full.

JOSEPHINE: Oh, I can't. I have a mortal fear of doorknobs.

SUNNY: You'll have to extrapolate for me there.

JOSEPHINE: You know, there's always the off chance that it'll shatter and hit you in the gall bladder or eye or something, and then you'll have to wear an eyepatch or ace bandage for the rest of your life.

KLAUS: Good God, lady. (slams down his seventeen suitcases and opens the door himself)

SUNNY: It's a very nice room…the beds are pretty good-sized.

JOSEPHINE: Beds are the epitome of malevolence. You can fall right off the edge and fracture your coccyx.

SUNNY: Well, um…

JOSEPHINE: Oh, look, presents! Just be careful you don't swallow them accidentally and get arsenic poisoning.

VIOLET: Why is this doll naked?

JOSEPHINE: I was afraid to put clothes on her…I could have gotten strangled by them or something.

KLAUS: (stares at his train set) Have you ever heard of gift cards?

JOSEPHINE: Those are the leading causes of identity theft.

EVERYONE: (discreetly trades presents)

JOSEPHINE: Downstairs we go! No one get lost, now. (shows them all the kitchen)

KLAUS: Oh, cool. Got any Easy Mac?

JOSEPHINE: (glares) Who do you think I am, Evil Knievel? That stuff will explode and kill you on the spot! And if that doesn't do it, the five million calories that are in it will!

KLAUS: Point taken. (rolls eyes when she turns around) So how do you cook, then?

JOSEPHINE: Well, the oven is out of the question, and so is the refrigerator…simply too risky. So what I do is eat cereal. All the time.

SUNNY: But with no milk, because mad cow disease could very well be extended past the meat itself.

JOSEPHINE: Now you're catching on!

PHONE: (rings)

VIOLET: Aren't you gonna get that?

JOSEPHINE: Oh, no. It could be someone I don't know…or worse…_realtors_. I'd use a toaster every day if it meant never having to talk to those guys. (shudder) Come on, enough of this, you'll get nightmares. Let me show you a place where we can have some _real_ fun.

KLAUS: A library! I love you!

JOSEPHINE: Full of every kind of…grammar book there is!

KLAUS: That's it, I'm taking you to Vegas to go gambling.

JOSEPHINE: (is aghast) I hear they have unnecessary waterfalls at all their hotels! I refuse!

VIOLET: The view from this gigantic window is…uh…well, to be perfectly honest, it's pretty depressing. Why is the sky always that same shade of gray wherever we go?

JOSEPHINE: Take it up with Brett Helquist. Let me just establish that I get a weird kick out of overlooking the very lake that caused me to live the rest of my life alone. (sigh) And celibate.

KLAUS: You poor woman! Do you need some chocolate?

JOSEPHINE: To the grocery store!

**At the Store. **

VIOLET: We should probably get some better food—I hear a hurricane's coming.

JOSEPHINE: (whistles)

SUNNY: Doesn't that terrify you?

JOSEPHINE: Why? Hurricanes are nothing to fear.

KLAUS: Actually, yes, they are.

JOSEPHINE: Please, Klaus. Mustn't let ourselves get paranoid about every little—_oh my God_, it's a man! (hides behind shopping cart)

CAPTAIN SHAM: (is actually OLAF) Well, hello there. (nods to JOSEPHINE) Can I be Taco Bell and spice up your life?

SUNNY: Gag me with a spatula.

JOSEPHINE: (peers up from her hiding place) Are you…hitting on me?

OLAF: Is it working?

JOSEPHINE: Marry me, you handsome peg-legged stranger!

VIOLET: Oh, sick. You can do so much better than _that_.

JOSEPHINE: Listen, Violet. When you get to be my age, you take what you can get.

OLAF: Gotta get as much fun in before the hot flashes start, you know?

JOSEPHINE: (eyes widen)

OLAF: So I own a boat shop down the street a ways. Maybe you've heard of it? Probably not, because I made it up. Anyway, you should come visit sometime.

JOSEPHINE: Are there realtors?

OLAF: I don't allow them within ten feet of the perimeter.

JOSEPHINE: Pick me up at eight. (glances down) Holy Bank of America, where's your leg?

VIOLET: You just commented on his peg leg like half a page back.

JOSEPHINE: Yeah, but I didn't realize that meant his leg was _gone_.

OLAF: Tragic story, really…I lost it while off on a boat in the middle of that lake.

JOSEPHINE: The leeches got it?

OLAF: Oh, no, my ex-wife Esme chopped it off. Left legs weren't 'in' at the time.

KLAUS: You're a liar! She doesn't even come up until the sixth book!

OLAF: (long pause) So who wants Starbucks?

KLAUS: Oh! Me!

**That Night.**

WINDOW: (crashes)

VIOLET: (pulls off her eye mask and runs to library) _Klaus! Get in here!_

KLAUS: (runs in with curlers on) Violet, when the sign says do not disturb—sweet strawberry shortcake! This is terrible!

SUNNY: I know! Josephine's missing and the hurricane's coming and—

KLAUS: The curtains are _ruined_! I had these specially ordered from the Tonga!

VIOLET: Where could she be?

SUICIDE NOTE: (clears throat)

VIOLET: (gasp)

KLAUS: What does the note say?

SUICIDE NOTE: 'Dear children, woe is to me—if you're reading this, I'm dead. I guess I should say something deep. I just want you all to know…a lot of things freaked me out in life, but you're easily the top three. Seriously. Get some counseling. And Violet, ease up on the eyeliner. You're not a raccoon. Okay, I guess I'd better go now. If you find my body, do me a favor and toss my ashes into the real estate headquarters. Love those realtors. Klaus, sorry about the curtains. Love, Josephine. PS: Just so you know, Captain Sham is your new dad. Sears is having a Father's Day portrait special this weekend, so it all works out. Okay, bye.'

SUNNY: Was I not important enough for her suicide note?

KLAUS: Of course not, all you do is sit there and bite things.

VIOLET: No way am I staying with Olaf again. He's got no sense of style. Come on, you two.

**On the phone.**

VIOLET: Mr. Poe, get your congested tush over here right this second!

MR. POE: (cough)

**At the house. **

MR. POE: I hope you're happy. The original Wicked was on Primetime and I had to miss the last part of Defying Gravity.

SUNNY: How about I push you through that window and we see if you defy gravity then?

MR. POE: I say we go out to eat!

**At the Anxious Clown.**

WAITER: (hates this job)

MR. POE: So you're thinking you'll do Violet's room in…?

OLAF: Oh, there's this darling shade of pink I've been dying to try out…hold on, I've got the swatch in here somewhere. (goes through bag)

VIOLET: Now's our chance! (pulls out peppermints)

KLAUS: Brilliant! We'll lob them at him and hope he chokes!

VIOLET: (rolls eyes) Just eat one, amateur.

KIDS: (eat peppermints)

OLAF: Hang on, I've got the picture clipped out of Home and Garden, it'll be the best thing since canned beer…

MR. POE: I can't think of a better way to be spending my time at 12 AM. (leans to have a look)

VIOLET: Sweet mother of whoever decided PBS should be a channel! I'm having an allergic reaction!

OLAF: Don't even worry about it, Poe, it's probably just a menstrual breakout.

KLAUS: (convulses)

MR. POE: Well, that rules out _that_ possibility—he hasn't even hit puberty yet. Back to the house with you three!

**At the house.**

HURRICANE: Hey guys!

SUNNY: We're all gonna die! We're all gonna _die_! (runs to window)

VIOLET: Slow down, Sunny.

KLAUS: (gasps) I just had the most groundbreaking epiphany!

VIOLET: We know, you just realized you're a winter, not an autumn.

KLAUS: _Summer_! I'm a summer! And no, that's not it! I just realized something important about the suicide note!

SUNNY: Really? Did you find out I was in it?

KLAUS: No. But after carefully re-reading it, I realized—why would she want her ashes thrown to the realtors? She hates those guys.

READER: So you're saying she isn't really dead?

KLAUS: Exactly!

LEMONY SNICKET: Way to break my carefully crafted fourth wall, nerd. (stalks off)

VIOLET: So where is she?

KLAUS: Well, considering realtors scare her so badly, she'd be in the last place they'd ever think to look.

SUNNY: Waffle House?

KLAUS:…second last place they'd ever think to look.

SUNNY: A cave!

VIOLET: We've got one of those, it's practically a given! (points through window) Let's go!

HURRICANE: Time to do business!

KLAUS: No, wait, stop! We need a map!

HURRICANE: I'm behind schedule. Run for your lives!

KIDS: (run)

HOUSE: It ain't my day! (collapses)

**At the boathouse.**

SUNNY: Can we have a boat?

ASSISTANT: …

SUNNY: Okay…could we not maybe never decline to not take a boat?

ASSISTANT: …(blinks)

SUNNY: Thanks, big guy! Uh…girl…thing! (grabs keys)

**On the boat.**

KLAUS: (is seasick)

HURRICANE: Blow the man down, blow the man down…!

VIOLET: Go away.

**At the cave.**

KLAUS: You have _got_ to be kidding me.

JOSEPHINE: (puts down her knitting) Hi guys!

SUNNY: You mean you aren't dead?

JOSEPHINE: Ew, no.

VIOLET: So then what was up with the suicide note? Particularly the part about the eyeliner?

JOSEPHINE: Seriously, Violet. I think it's like, a federal crime to put on more than an entire pencil at once.

SUNNY: No one cares. Why are you still breathing?

JOSEPHINE: Well, because that jerk Olaf told me to go kill myself and I didn't really want to.

SUNNY: So what was that crash?

JOSEPHINE: Oh, that. I threw Klaus's collection of fashion magazines out the window to make it sound like I'd jumped. Pretty clever of me, considering anything to do with fashion makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry forever.

KLAUS: …you are _demented_.

JOSEPHINE: At least I'm alive! (huge smile)

KLAUS: Let me at her!

VIOLET: Can't, we gotta hop right back into the boat and sail through extremely rough water in the middle of a huge hurricane.

SUNNY: How practical of us!

VIOLET: I know, right?

**Back on the boat. **

JOSEPHINE: Oh no! I'm having so many back-to-back flashbacks it feels like I'm in the middle of CSI Miami!

SUNNY: (bites rope)

VIOLET: What is that ungodly sight under the water?

KLAUS: (looks into water) That's your reflection, Violet. Go do something with that hair.

JOSEPHINE: (shudders)

LEECHES: We will, we will, rock you! (slam boat)

EVERYONE: Aaaah!!

KLAUS: Wha—ahhh—huh? Why are those leeches here?!

JOSEPHINE: Oh. I forgot to tell you, they like to drop in when someone's just eaten.

VIOLET: Well, that sucks for them, considering none of us ever really seem to get fed throughout this series…

KLAUS: Yeah, we didn't even order anything at that restaurant...

VIOLET: Yep. Stuff conveniently seems to come up right when we're about to eat. But the issue here is that no one's had any food, so _what are those creepy bugs doing under our boat?_

JOSEPHINE: (quietly clears throat)

VIOLET: I don't know what kind of moron would eat anything knowing they were gonna be near man-eating leeches…

JOSEPHINE: Um…I…uh…(wipes hand over mouth while speaking) I kinda ate a banana just now.

KLAUS: _What?_

LEECHES: Hit me, baby, one more time! (slam boat)

EVERYONE: (pauses and glances into the water)

LEECHES: …sorry.

VIOLET: It's okay.

KLAUS: Look, why don't you think of a better song while we realize the boat is leaking and freak out?

LEECHES: Deal!

BOAT: (leaks)

EVERYONE: (freaks out)

KLAUS: I'm so scared!

LEECHES: And I'm hungry like the wooolf! (slam boat)

KLAUS: …

BOAT: (begins sinking)

KLAUS: Violet, quick, invent something to rescue our impractical selves!

VIOLET: Because that's just _so easy_ to do on a boat in the middle of a lake during a storm when we've brought nothing with us!

KLAUS: (turns on the Titanic soundtrack)

VIOLET: Think, Violet, think! There's nothing flammable _on_ this wooden boat full of cloth and matches…and wood! What am I going to do?!

VIOLET'S RIBBON: (spontaneously combusts)

VIOLET: Brilliant! (sets mast on fire with ribbon)

ANOTHER BOAT: (comes)

SUNNY: We're saved!

EVERYONE: (jumps onto other boat)

LEECHES: (gape)

KLAUS: Haha! (sings) You will stay, I'll sail away!

LEECHES: The singing…was our thing. (spit in their general direction)

OLAF: Lovely to see you, only not really.

EVERYONE: (gasp)

OLAF: Don't you just love situational irony?

VIOLET: Not particularly, why?

OLAF: …anyway, it would seem I've got the upper hand. (grin) And you know how I love being 'upper'.

JOSEPHINE: Oh, believe me, I know. (contented sigh)

ORPHANS: (stare in horror)

JOSEPHINE: Hey, when you're a top, you're a top. (shrug) I told you, you take what you can get.

OLAF: Damn straight. And now I'm going to continue my legacy of one-night stands by dumping you. Literally. (picks up JOSEPHINE and hangs her over the edge of the boat)

JOSEPHINE: Ah! No! Wait, stop! I'll do anything!

OLAF: We've established that. (grin)

VIOLET: Ew! Stop that! And leave her alone, jerk!

JOSEPHINE: You can have all three of those losers and do whatever you want with them!

VIOLET: Scratch that…dump the hag!

OLAF: I was going to anyway.

JOSEPHINE: I'll change my name! Dye my hair! Get implants! Take dance classes! Anything you say!

OLAF: Dance classes? You should've taken swimming lessons. (throws her over)

KLAUS: How repulsive!

OLAF: Nah, I'd hazard a guess that that's considerably worse. (points)

LEECHES: (froth at the mouth)

VIOLET: (covers SUNNY'S eyes)

JOSEPHINE: Ow! Help! Hey, quit that! (sputters) I've only got one of those! Hey, watch where you're putting that! Aaaah!

OLAF: (hits her with an oar) Anyway, now that that's settled…

JOSEPHINE: Seriously, feel free to toss me a rope! Ah! Ow!

OLAF: (drops the anchor on her) As I was saying…

JOSEPHINE: I know you people can hear me! Somebody save me!

EVERYONE: (pauses)

LEECHES: Food, glorious food! (devour JOSEPHINE)

OLAF: (waits) Okay, anyway. There's that fellow who needs an inhaler. As soon as we reach land, you'll all be mine!

**On land.**

MR. POE: (coughs) Now, if anyone has any reason why this dashing captain should not have full custody…

KLAUS: I do! I do! He's Count Olaf!

MR. POE: (rolls eyes) Count Olaf doesn't have a peg leg, Klaus. For a child prodigy you sure are dense.

SUNNY: Ow! I think I'm teething! (bites OLAF'S peg leg)

PEG LEG: (crack)

OLAF: Great balls of radium! My leg has miraculously grown back! I'm like some freak starfish man! Only more handsome, of course!

MR. POE: Whoa! Cool!

SUNNY: (smacks) The tattoo!

MR. POE: I mean, wait a second! Legs don't grow back with tattoos already on them! I'm pretty sure when starfish lose limbs they have to go get re-inked…get him!

OLAF: Wait, wait! I want a head start.

MR. POE: Oh, that's fine. One…two…three…

OLAF: (runs)

KIDS: (try and chase him)

MR. POE: Hey! That's not in the spirit of head starts! Everyone, back in the van!

**In the car.**

KIDS: (ignore MR. POE)

MR. POE: Man! Next thing you know we'll have to send you to some mill…or boarding school or something! One of these days you're all gonna end up dressed like freaks at a carnival!

SUNNY: Please. Be realistic for once, why don't you?

**The End! C: Coming up…what's the next book in the series? Anyone? Anyone?**


	4. The Miserable Mill

Unfortunate Events Parody

**Unfortunate Events Parody**

**Part IV: The Miserable Mill**

**On the train.**

MR. POE: So in favor of letting you guys go to someone sane, your next home's at some mill.

SUNNY: Wait, we don't have any family members working mills.

MR. POE: So?

SUNNY: So didn't you explicitly say our parents wanted us raised by relatives?

MR. POE: Oh. Right. Well, I figure they'd probably think this best, considering you three seem to bring death wherever you go.

VIOLET: Aren't there child labor laws against this kind of thing?

MR. POE: Those weren't written till like, the 30's. And since it never specifically says what time period we're in, or where in Mahalia Jackson's name we are, I think we can overlook them.

KLAUS: (sigh) Couldn't I go work at Kohl's or something?

MR. POE: Why would you want to work there when you could be chopping wood like a _real_ man?

KLAUS: Okay, so _you_ go work at the mill.

SUNNY: Why is that building shaped like an eye? Why is _everything shaped like an eye_?! This is an omen, Poe!

MR. POE: An omen that…you're going to grow up to get a degree in ophthalmology?

VIOLET: If we keep going by what you say, she's not going to live that long.

MR. POE: Oh, look, we're here!

**Inside the mill.**

CHARLES: (filing his nails) If you're looking for the bathroom, it's to your left.

MR. POE: No, no. I'm here to drop off these little harbingers of doom.

CHARLES: Oh, you're those three kids whose parents got nailed by a fire truck. Okay. Well, in that case, I'm going to go ahead and show you where you'll be working.

VIOLET: What's in this deal for us? 

CHARLES: Well, in exchange for your laborious efforts, your boss…

KLAUS: What's his name? 

CHARLES: His name instills fear in the hearts of anyone who dares say it—last guy who tried keeled over on the spot. So we just call him Sir.

SUNNY: …at least it's not He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

CHARLES: We wanted that one originally, but almost got slapped with a lawsuit bigger than the state of Texas because of it.

KLAUS: Oh. Go on.

CHARLES: As I was saying, Sir will keep that internet stalker of yours away.

VIOLET: Hah! I'd like to see him try, that guy follows us no matter where we go.

CHARLES: Let's go see my library!

**In the library.**

CHARLES: It's kind of hard to keep track of all these books.

KLAUS: There're three! How can you live on _three books_?

CHARLES: Seeing how I'm illiterate…

KLAUS: Next I suppose you'll be telling me there's no mall here. 

CHARLES: Well, there _was,_ until we demolished it to make this mill.

KLAUS: You monster!

CHARLES: …by the way, our resident eye doctor lives in that building over there.

VIOLET: Oh, that's okay, we won't need to be seeing her. Klaus just got his checkup and the rest of us were blessed with perfect vision.

FLACUTONO: (abruptly shows up and sticks foot out)

KLAUS: Careful, you might trip someone. (steps over foot)

FLACUTONO: (tries again)

KLAUS: (doesn't notice)

FLACUTONO: (grabs Klaus by the hair and smashes glasses over knee)

KLAUS: My glasses! I can't see without my glasses! (gets on knees and feels around)

FLACUTONO: What a horrible accident, I'm terribly sorry. Us doctors are just so arrogantly clumsy. Looks like you'll have to go see Dr. Orwell.

KLAUS: (talking to bookshelf) I'm sorry, could you speak up? You sound kind of hollow.

FLACUTONO: (sighs and steers Klaus out the door) He'll be back before you know it. Three, five hours tops.

VIOLET: …

CHARLES: Allow me to show you to your new room!

**In the room.**

CHARLES: Bunk beds! Aren't they just darling?

VIOLET: Not really, but it's better than the bed at Olaf's place.

CHARLES: Oh, right, and as for your pay…

VIOLET: Please tell me it's something we can use to buy ourselves some decent wallpaper.

CHARLES: Well, uh…technically. You get paid in coupons and gum, so I suppose if you save up enough and find a way to get through the whole "one per customer" loophole, anything's possible.

SUNNY: (blows harmonica) Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen, the trouble I've seen…

VIOLET: I wonder how Klaus is doing.

**Dr. Orwell's office.**

DR. ORWELL: Now, when I clap my hands, you'll be a duck! (claps)

KLAUS: (moos)

DR. ORWELL: Well, that's the last time I buy a hypnotism kit from the dollar store…

**Back at the room.**

SUNNY: Whatever's keeping him, I'm sure it's totally relevant to the plot.

VIOLET: It must be!

**The next morning.**

FLACUTONO: (bangs pan) Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! Time for you to go do your less-than-minimum-wage job!

KLAUS: (rolls off bed completely dressed except for shoes)

FLACUTONO: Get to work!

KLAUS: (quacks)

FLACUTONO: …whatever floats your boat, big guy. I'm gonna go get some French toast.

KLAUS: (walks out door stiffly)

VIOLET: Klaus, wait! You forgot your shoes and socks! Do you realize some people here might hate the sight of feet?

SUNNY: Nooo! He just got a pedicure—he's going to give everyone foot fetishes! We've got to stop him!

**At the mill.**

FLACUTONO: Now that we're all here…Klaus! I need you to operate the extremely complex machine that most likely requires a trained professional. Go on, get stamping!

KLAUS: Must…obey. (spasms and hits lever)

MACHINE: Can I make a quick disclaimer? Ah!

PHIL: Isn't this just a wonderful day full of happiness and sunshine? Even if the sky is still all gray? But that's okay, because gray's a really neutral color and everyone can wear it, so it's probably actually _better_ than yellow, because it takes a certain complexion to…ahhh!

MACHINE: (covers eyes)

PHIL: (is squished) Oh well…just think of how great this is for my lower back! (goes unconscious)

SUNNY: Holy wife of Archduke Franz Ferdinand! Klaus! You totally just squished the most optimistic guy we've seen all series!

KLAUS: (neighs)

VIOLET: (glares at FLACUTONO) What's wrong with him?

FLACUTONO: I have no idea, but this whole thing is so terribly (cough) _inordinate_ (cough).

KLAUS: (blinks) Middle English, from the Latin word _inordinatus_, meaning 'archaic'.

VIOLET: Something just happened here, but I'm not quite sure what.

SUNNY: Well, Klaus is back to normal…

KLAUS: Where are my shoes?! My pedicure is going to be ruined!

SUNNY: As normal as he's ever going to get, anyway.

FLACUTONO: Are you guys sure he's not adopted?

VIOLET: We're still waiting on the blood test, actually.

FLACUTONO: Fascinating! Oh, one second. (snaps KLAUS'S glasses in half) You and your little accidents! It's a good thing you've got insurance! Now march your little booty straight to Orwell's office!

KLAUS: I'm blind! Again! (attempts to use echolocation to find VIOLET)

VIOLET: Hang on a second, bat-boy. We're coming with you this time.

FLACUTONO: Suit yourselves, it's not like we're actually paying you or anything.

**In Orwell's office.**

SUNNY: I'll handle this. (scrapes teeth on door)

DR. ORWELL: (hides cane behind back) Oh…hi. (huge smile) Come on in, except you two. Wait in the waiting room. Because…that's what it's for. Shirley here will keep you company. By the way, flies like honey. Or something. Bye!

VIOLET: What the heck was that about?

SUNNY: (rolls eyes) Doctors. What good have they ever done for anyone?

SHIRLEY: (is actually OLAF) Feel free to read some of those magazines, children! Goodness knows you could use some fashion advice! (fluty giggle)

VIOLET: Uh…thanks. By the way, have you ever heard of tweezers?

SHIRLEY: I'm going for the Frieda Kahlo look, thank you very much.

VIOLET: It's working. (snaps open magazine)

SUNNY: Violet…(nods at SHIRLEY)

VIOLET: Not now, Sunny. I think I finally found a bronzer that won't make me look like a sunburned pumpkin.

SUNNY: Violet! That's Olaf!

VIOLET: (looks up at SHIRLEY)

SHIRLEY: (types while dancing in seat) You can stand under my umbrella! Ella! Ella!

VIOLET: Are you _sure_?

SUNNY: Violet, please. Who else has a unibrow, terrible rhythm, and .4 body fat?

VIOLET: …cousin Louise?

SUNNY: (sighs)

**Orwell's office.**

ORWELL: Now, watch the mood ring! When it turns purple, you will _be_ a ballerina!

KLAUS: (falls over)

ORWELL: Maybe I should've just been an aerobics instructor like Dad said.

**In the waiting room.**

SHIRLEY: So kids, you look like the kind of people who've got huge fortunes stashed away somewhere!

VIOLET: Oh my _God_!

SUNNY: What?

VIOLET: Remember that weird thing Orwell said about flies and honey? I just realized something groundbreaking!

SUNNY: That it's all symbolic, and that we're the flies and she's the honey, meaning that she's attracted us through false friendliness and therefore succeeded in her original plan to corrupt our only brother?

VIOLET: Well…I was going to say it would've made more sense to say bees instead of flies…but I like that better.

SUNNY: She must be doing something in there to Klaus that's absolutely horrifying!

SHIRLEY: 80's health movie bad, or like…bad haircut bad?

SUNNY: 80's movie, definitely.

VIOLET: She must be doing some kind of freak hypnosis!

KLAUS: (staggers out looking dazed)

SUNNY: Klaus! Speak to me!

KLAUS: (grand-jetés)

SUNNY: It's worse than I thought! (sobs)

SHIRLEY: Thank you, come again!

**Back at the mill.**

NOTE: Dear kids, one more accident and you're finished. I've thought of a punishment worse than death if one more death happens. Does spending a lifetime with that creepy secretary Shirley sound good? I didn't think so, which is why I divorced her. But that's another story, never mind. I hope I've made myself clear. Love, Sir. PS: Klaus, please have the decency to wear shoes around some of our workers, apparently there's been a 35 increase in foot fetishes since you got here. Okay, bye.

KLAUS: (swallows NOTE)

VIOLET: Major rudeness, Klaus! Just because you give people fetishes doesn't mean you're _all_ that.

SUNNY: Get to bed, you arrogant jerk!

KLAUS: (pirouettes)

**Later that night.**

SUNNY: Let's see if one of those three books will help us find out anything.

VIOLET: Optical Illusion: A Complete Guide to Corruption Through Eyes. What good is that going to do us?

SUNNY: (sighs)

VIOLET: Oh! Check this out! There's a chapter on colored contact lenses!

SUNNY: And one on hypnosis!

VIOLET: What's _that_ got to do with anything?

SUNNY: It's a really good thing you're pretty. (flips through pages)

VIOLET: Hm…use of code word…un-hypnotize word…commands…

SUNNY: What do you think?

VIOLET: I think it means—wait. Why is the mill starting? It's four in the morning…

**At the mill.**

CHARLES: (is strapped to log about to be obliterated by buzz saw) This is about the expired coupons, isn't it?!

KLAUS: (spasms)

MACHINE: (goes faster)

CHARLES: (screams higher than Christine in Phantom of the Opera)

FLACUTONO: That's the stuff!

VIOLET&SUNNY: (rush in) Oh no! Klaus!

FLACUTONO: Ignore them, Klaus!

VIOLET: Oh no he won't! Because I learned the command word—MAGUMBO!

KLAUS: (ignores)

VIOLET: Oh, wait, sorry. _Lucky_! Now stop trying to kill our employer!

KLAUS: (turns off machine)

FLACUTONO: I knew we should've picked a better word. _Lucky_! Kill him!

VIOLET: _Lucky,_ don't!

FLACUTONO: _Lucky, _yes huh!

VIOLET: _Lucky,_ nuh uh!

KLAUS: (is dizzy)

MACHINE: Stop the madness!

ORWELL&OLAF: (rush in) Oh, loophole! _Lucky_, ignore your sister no matter what!

VIOLET: Damn! That was good. I'm going to need something huge to top that!

SUNNY: Violet! There's only one thing you can do! Say the un-hypnotize word!

VIOLET: Uh…open sesame! Racquetball! Meka-leka-hi-meka-leka-hineho! Coriander! Petticoat!

SUNNY: Petticoat?

VIOLET: You're right, that is kind of inordinate to be a code word…

KLAUS: (snaps out of it at the mention of 'inordinate')

VIOLET: It _was_ petticoat! Haha!

ORWELL: Dangit! Well, there's only one thing to do now…challenge this seven-month-old to a duel!

OLAF: Brilliant! Very sportsmanlike!

ORWELL: (hits SUNNY with glove)

SUNNY: Oh no, she didn't. (bares teeth)

WORKERS: (suddenly get biting fetishes)

ORWELL: (pulls sword out of nowhere)

SWORD: Don't put me up against _that_! (cowers)

TEETH: Yes, we're fortified with gallons and gallons of milk! Thank Sunny's mom for always taking her One-a-Day Women's!

SWORDFIGHT: (is epic)

CROWD: (eats gum)

MACHINE: (is still on) Oh, you know this is going to end in tears…can't we all just get along?

ORWELL: Sorry, but no! I have to kill this baby who's nowhere near my level in hand-to-hand—ahhh! (falls into MACHINE)

MACHINE: (demolishes ORWELL)

SUNNY: (covers VIOLET'S eyes)

OLAF: (grabs VIOLET) Well, at least we win something worth putting in a trophy case!

VIOLET: Let go of me or I'll start singing!

OLAF: (drags her off to library)

KLAUS: Charles, run free! (cuts ropes) Fly away, little butterfly!

CHARLES: I can't believe you tried to kill me! I need a smoke!

MR.POE&SIR: (arrive) What is it with people arriving in pairs today?

SUNNY: Beats me, it's like some demented version of _Madeline_. Anyway, you missed possibly the best swordfight since Princess Bride.

MR. POE: That good? I knew we shouldn't have stopped for gelato!

SIR: You're the one who suggested it!

VIOLET: Hello! Can we please focus on the fact that Olaf has me hostage in a bookless library?!

MR. POE: Oh. Hi Violet.

VIOLET: Poe, how's the wife?

MR. POE: Fair, she's taking cooking classes now.

VIOLET: Fascinating. Give her my regards, will you?

MR. POE: I'll be sure to.

OLAF: Hey, this is supposed to be my scene! (smashes window and jumps out)

VIOLET: How does he keep doing that without cutting himself?

MR. POE: If it's not sugar glass, I have no clue. Anyway, Sir, I'll just be leaving…

SIR: Oh, no. You're taking these little death traps with you. They're taking business away from our mill. It was sucky enough to begin with, thanks very much.

MR. POE: Awww, man! We're running out of places to drop you three off!

KLAUS: At least we can rest easily knowing we'll never have to live on any deserted islands.

MR. POE: I suppose…

SIR: …(disappears in a cloud of smoke)

SUNNY: This is totally our trippiest home yet. Can we leave?

MR. POE: (sighs) Looks like I'm going to have to start doing my job and send you three to an actual school…

KLAUS: All right! I can be the Victorian Harry Potter!

VIOLET: Klaus, we don't actually know if it's Victorian, seeing how we have a lot of modern conveniences…

KLAUS: Can you _prove_ it's not?

VIOLET: (sigh) No.

MR. POE: All right, you three. (sighs even more heavily) Back in the car.

**Later that night.**

PHIL: Being a minor character wasn't so bad! In fact, it was kind of fun! Except I got crushed and forgotten…but that's good, because I got lots of recovery time! And…uh…

READER: This is easily the most boring book yet. (snaps it shut)

**Yeah, this wasn't my favorite ASOUE book, but I needed to do this one to get to the Austere Academy, which I really liked. Yeah? Yeah! **


End file.
